Creativity in the way of financing allowed subprime deadbeats with terrible credit histories to borrow six or seven times their incomes, and we had an influx of Alt-A loans which allowed people with decent FICO scores--but no verifiable income or ability to handle such extreme debt loads--to buy overpriced homes (usually with nothing down).
In addition, we heard creative advice from real estate "professionals" for buyers to raid their 401(k) for down payment help, and heard buyers should rent out rooms to offset the crushing weight of the monthly mortgage payment. From a financial perspective, buying a 2 bedroom, 2 bath place and renting out a room is a good idea. Why anyone would work so hard to finally buy their own home only to have a Craig's List Creeper cramp their style and lower their quality of enjoyment, I have no idea. But financially, sure, I get that.
Today's property is a prime example of a condo too expensive to afford on Long Beach's median income alone--necessitating at least one roommate to achieve some semblance of affordability.
Address: 5585 E Pacific Coast Hwy #154, 90804
Asking Price: $324,900
Year Built: 1970
Size: 2 beds, 2 bath, 913 sq. ft.
$/Sq. Ft.: $356
HOA Fine: $229
Purchase price: NA
Purchase date: NA
On Redfin: 36 days
Down Payment: $64,980
Monthly Payment: $2300
Income Requirement: $81,225
Description: Wonderful 1st floor CORNER location....Quietest in the complex !(Only 1 shared wall) Popular 'Park Ocean' building with Community Pool,Spa,Sauna,Tennis,Basketball,New BBQ grills,Workout Room w/ New Equipment,AND unit is wired for FIOS & Cable all included in the Low Assoc.Dues ! Best floor plan with Two Master Bedrooms and 2 Private Baths-Both Newly Remodeled w/ Custom Tiling,New Vanities,Faucets,Fixtures,Sinks,AND Designer Shower Door and Granite Counters... Modern,Open Living Area w/ Pergo-Type Flooring,Air Cond,New Doors and Custom Blinds. Contemporary Kitchen w/extra storage Maple Cabinets w/under lighting,'2' 7foot Pantries,Recessed Lighting w/ Dimmer Switches (also in Bathrooms),and Stainless Steel Appliances. Desireable 'Park Estates' neighborhood- Conveniently located to Golf Course,Cal-State Long Beach,Stores,Shops,Freeways, and Beaches !!!!!!! One of the Lowest Association Dues with the Most Amenities in the Area. HURRY- Won't Last..Lowest Price per sq.ft.
As I scanned through pictures of this "Desireable" property, I found this gem and began to wonder about the roommate situation in this place:
And then this crazy four-post bed caught my eye:
And I started forming a mental image of the two roommates inhabiting this place:
"WE'RE TWO WILD AND CRAZAAAAY GUYS!"
Can't you totally picture that? Out at the pool in their speedos, doing pushups near the ladies' restroom, trying to get girls to come back to their pad for lukewarm white russians and naked Jenga.
Then I noticed there are no pictures of the second bedroom. Sex dungeon, maybe? Further, the fact there is "only one shared wall" is one of the first things mentioned in the listing description. Maybe this condo is for true players only.
"Don't worry baby, nobody will hear us. 'Discreet' is my middle name. Actually, it's Daniel, but you're pickin' up what I'm puttin' down, right?"
The blue trim around this bathroom door really stood out too.
Is that a subtle homage to the 1972 porno movie Behind the Green Door? Classy!
There, that's more like it.
I could go on for days with this stuff.
Anyhow, back to the property at hand (pimp hand, that is)...
You have to give the listing agent credit for going green. Some people are cutting down on fuel consumption, others are reducing their water usage…this dude is cutting back on spaces after punctuation marks and unnecessary letters. Al Gore approves.
Trying to make sense of that listing description, with its sporadic TiTle CAse madness, is like trying to read the Constitution while hanging upside down on a dimly-lit bullet train. Nauseating.
“Lowest Price per sq.ft.” – Compared to what? A penthouse on the Upper East Side? $356 per square is a joke.
“HURRY- Won’t Last..” – Boy, that sounds familiar. Unless some major price reductions start happening, I have a sneaking suspicion we’ll be seeing this listing a year from now.
In the interest of trying to find ONE positive thing to say about this property, at least the FIOS and cable are included in the HOA fee. Which is important because with a $2,300 monthly nut--even with the income of a true player--you're not going to have any money left over to go to the movies or--DAMN IT! I was trying so hard to stay positive!
I'll try again.
Ummm...your kitchen might be bigger than one in my dad's old Winnebago! Awesome!
And, um, you were able to maximize the three square feet of kitchen counter space by relocating the microwave to a totally natural, not-at-all-awkward location! Functional!
Uhhhh...I think I see Jesus in your kitchen tile! Do you know what that's worth on eBay?! You're rich!
Let's see...the gaps in your kitchen cabinets and the missing cabinet over the refrigerator looks way retro--like, 1930's depression-era retro, where people had to use whatever was around because they had no money. That totally looks like it belongs there! Trend setting!
Oh, and before any of you players out there interested in plunking down nearly 70 grand for a down payment and parting with $2,300 a month for this 913 square foot babe lair, the seller has informed us that the "Listing Price Excludes: PLASMA T.V. AND WALL MOUNT, AND ALL ARTWORK THRU-OUT.... "
Sorry, player, when it comes to recreating the sexy magic of this lovers' lounge, you're on your own.